Today is one of the days I find it very easy to be in the company of others by body alone. I smile the occasional smile, give eye contact when necessary and make comments about the topic.
I am actually in a brain fog. I’m trying to sort out why I keep feeling fatigued. I have had 2 episodes of full panic attacks with no reason for the onset.
Yes, I am still taking all meds and will not get to see the primary care doctor until some time in March.
Mentally, I am maintaining. By that I mean, the pandemic has not taken too much of an affect on me. I’m a home body naturally. I do not socialize in person or with groups. Not as of yet, anyway. I’m working on it. Most of the time, I’m in my room reading, watching TV, listening to music or eating. But this too is getting old.
It’s been awhile. Since the pandemic, my thoughts have been elsewhere. I can’t say that anxiety has not come knocking, because it has. I seem to have drifted back to one of my coping strategies. Purchasing books. I love to read and that’s not the problem. The problem is that I am not reading what is purchased!
The books feel like a security blanket of some sort. The more I buy, the worse I feel. Yes, I feel worse. I had spoken with my therapist previously when I was in therapy. He seemed to think that it was an o.k. phase. Sort of like the numerous pens I have been collecting for years! I laugh at and to myself. Is he serious?! He was. He told me these where 2 of the things that meant a great deal to me during my childhood. Because I didn’t have very many pretty pens, I became fascinated with being able to purchase the things I wanted. The books, just an added bonus.
Well, I am going to show a video, just not today. I do believe I am on my way to healing, the road is long right now since I kind of turned back.
I haven’t written in a while because I couldn’t. I hate that. I hate when I can’t read. I hate when I can’t write. Mostly, I hate when I can’t sleep. I’ve been asleep for a short time. 11:00 p.m. to about 2:00 a.m.
I have been in therapy on and off for 20 years. You’ve heard me say this before. It wasn’t until I recently started seeing a therapist who told me I had chronic PTSD, did I learn a great deal about coping strategies. I want to share my favorite with you. I have never been able to keep friendships or be around people for extended periods of time. Somehow, I would begin to feel like I was being talked about, didn’t fit in, or some other false thought. The thought would torment me until I would sabotage the relationship in order not to be hurt.
During this therapy, I learned how to deal with thoughts and determine what to do about them. I also learned how to calm myself (grounding) when I began to feel anxious. I already journaled. But sometimes that can be boring. So, I found several things I received joy from as a child helped me to calm down.
Here are a few: Adult coloring, puzzles and dot to dot. These completely take my focus off the negative. Some people have said to me “that’s childish”, but I thank God for the adults who still are.
I thought to myself, “It will be good if you join a group for mental health.You may even find a friend.” So, I did. I joined 2, a PTSD one and a Mental Health one.
Now, I wish I never did. Reading the post and visualizing what these people are experiencing, triggered a bunch of jumbled up thoughts. I haven’t been able to untangle them yet. I feel like I haven’t made as much progress as I thought by leaving therapy in March.
Anxiety has been very high these last couple of days. I have 2 medications to take. They are BuSpar and Hydroxyzine. Even with these 2, my safeguard is tapping my right leg or twirling my hair in one spot.
I’m trying to decide if the groups are triggering me and if they are, should I find out what’s happening and why? Should I stay or go?