It’s been awhile

It’s been awhile. Since the pandemic, my thoughts have been elsewhere. I can’t say that anxiety has not come knocking, because it has. I seem to have drifted back to one of my coping strategies. Purchasing books. I love to read and that’s not the problem. The problem is that I am not reading what is purchased!

The books feel like a security blanket of some sort. The more I buy, the worse I feel. Yes, I feel worse. I had spoken with my therapist previously when I was in therapy. He seemed to think that it was an o.k. phase. Sort of like the numerous pens I have been collecting for years! I laugh at and to myself. Is he serious?! He was. He told me these where 2 of the things that meant a great deal to me during my childhood. Because I didn’t have very many pretty pens, I became fascinated with being able to purchase the things I wanted. The books, just an added bonus.

Well, I am going to show a video, just not today. I do believe I am on my way to healing, the road is long right now since I kind of turned back.

Thinking

I haven’t written in a while because I couldn’t. I hate that. I hate when I can’t read. I hate when I can’t write. Mostly, I hate when I can’t sleep. I’ve been asleep for a short time. 11:00 p.m. to about 2:00 a.m.

How Do I Deal with Anxiety?

I have been in therapy on and off for 20 years. You’ve heard me say this before. It wasn’t until I recently started seeing a therapist who told me I had chronic PTSD, did I learn a great deal about coping strategies. I want to share my favorite with you. I have never been able to keep friendships or be around people for extended periods of time. Somehow, I would begin to feel like I was being talked about, didn’t fit in, or some other false thought. The thought would torment me until I would sabotage the relationship in order not to be hurt.

During this therapy, I learned how to deal with thoughts and determine what to do about them. I also learned how to calm myself (grounding) when I began to feel anxious. I already journaled. But sometimes that can be boring. So, I found several things I received joy from as a child helped me to calm down.

Here are a few: Adult coloring, puzzles and dot to dot. These completely take my focus off the negative. Some people have said to me “that’s childish”, but I thank God for the adults who still are.

Until next time,

My body may grow old, but my mind never will!

Should I stay or Should I go…

From my Pinterest page

I thought to myself, “It will be good if you join a group for mental health.You may even find a friend.” So, I did. I joined 2, a PTSD one and a Mental Health one.

Now, I wish I never did. Reading the post and visualizing what these people are experiencing, triggered a bunch of jumbled up thoughts. I haven’t been able to untangle them yet. I feel like I haven’t made as much progress as I thought by leaving therapy in March.

Anxiety has been very high these last couple of days. I have 2 medications to take. They are BuSpar and Hydroxyzine. Even with these 2, my safeguard is tapping my right leg or twirling my hair in one spot.

I’m trying to decide if the groups are triggering me and if they are, should I find out what’s happening and why? Should I stay or go?

Until next time,

I refuse to go back to where I’ve already been.

How many versions of me could there be?

I thought if I joined an online group of mental health peers, that would be the first in my journey to become socially adequate. Little did I know about how some people only join groups to spread more negative energy to themselves, and others who are already hurting.

I posted a positive quote about taking time to transform. There was a picture of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. Some posted, “BS, we don’t have time for that. We need to do this now”, or something like that.

Surprisingly, I didn’t get angry or sad. I felt I needed to speak out against that negativity. I never speak up! I posted this: “well ______, maybe that is why you are here. You’re not taking time to heal. No offense. If you don’t have anything positive to say to someone, please don’t share that negative energy”, or something like that.

Right now, I don’t know how I feel. During my C-PTSD therapy, I learned to address negative energy directed towards or about me and my emotions towards that energy. I may not feel that I did the best thing at the moment, but it sure feels good to have addressed negativity quickly for once.

I am grateful for this new found side of me!

Anxiety cutting is more than skin

I cut my hair a week ago convincing myself it was time for a major cut. My then shoulder-length hair has now become the picture below. Actually, I cut my hair because I had become anxious about my looks.

Anxiety causes you to do things you feel you have complete control over. For instance, today I wanted to cut my hair again. I feel that no one likes this style, so perhaps cut again. Now, we all know this thought has little logic to it or does it? Does it matter what others really think about me or is this one of those reoccurring racing thoughts I need to address?

Yes, it does matter and yes I do need to get to the root of this thought. I’ve never thought about cutting my skin for relief but I have constantly cut and plucked my hair. I have never told my therapist this because I was embarrassed and ashamed.