Some times it is necessary to yell to get people to understand where you’re coming from. I’m not a yeller. My sultry voice is very calm in the most extreme situations. I have a way of calming people with words and support. I know that’s my gift. I’m not boasting, I knew I would be a problem solver when I was 12. I knew eventhough I was socially afraid of people, I was gifted to help them through encouragement and advice. My world could be falling apart, but my duty was to assist anyone who reached out to me without judgment. I can say I have done this job emphatically throughout my life starting from childhood. I’m very proud of this part of my life. I thank God I was and still am obedient to this call on my life. Call it what you may, but we all having a job to do while on Earth.
Depression has tried to destroy myself and my children. I’m just finding out about their adult struggles. I guess they thought it better not to tell me. During their childhood, I was depressed throughout their middle school and high school years. I taught the older 2 how to drive, pay the bills and cook. I taught the 3 of them how to clean, cook,comb their hair, and complete their own laundry. This was only to be done when I isolated to my room, which was to be kept dark. I also suffered from migraines. I only had the strength to go to work at that time. I was a social service worker with the dual diagnosed adults in the community.
I had taken the children to a Psychiatrist when the incident happened and found them to be thriving just fine. The Psychiatrist told me they may soon forget what happened because of their young ages 8,6,5. I was happy to hear that.
I happen to live with my oldest daughter. I help her with her children while she goes to school to become a dental hygienist. She’s beginning to take the harder core courses before she gets into her degree. College is hard especially if you have 3 children. As she prepared for a paper, I heard her crying. When I got to the area, she told me she was going to quit because it was too much. I was able to comfort and support her. Earlier today, she thanked me on Facebook. I hope you don’t mind my long response. Well, here it is:
Life is hard. No matter how much I love you and will be there for you, Jesus is who will go the mile for you. He went so far as to die before you were born or ever taught about him, or given your first bible to show you how much he cares for you. It is through Him I get the wisdom to help you in these times. You know me well enough to know when I hear the faintest tear in the 3 of your voices, I am crying. Not because I don’t know what to do, but because of my love and concern for you 3. You shape my heart and it hurts everytime you have to experience life. I think about how sad mine was. How at times I wanted to quit. How at times I only had 2 friends who cared. How I wondered why those things happened to me, a good person. But you know what? The world does not care. People tire of supporting you because they never intended to to begin with. The great thing I learned alone in my darkest hours was this: I had no time to cry. I had no time to feel sorrow for myself. I had no person to go to. No one. Not even my beloved mother. When that happened, I did not despise or resent those people because they were just that. People. I did like Job did. I recited the scriptures of how my God was supposed to support me as he did our forefathers. I did what Joseph did. I cried out to the God of our forefathers. And that is where my help and strength came from. That’s where my support came from. That I will never forget. That you will learn and never forget. Because someone, a person will need you and you must remember where our God picked you up from when your face stained with tears cried out to a person to pray for you, Jesus was there all along to strengthen you with no questions or judgement.
I love you. As a Christian I can say I never failed to do my duty for my brothers and sisters in Christ because I know personally the struggle.
I just want you all who struggle with PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression I am here for you. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. All we know are each others stories. We have to support each other with more than words. We have to uae everything God has gifted us with.
Until next time,
Look up! You’re not on the bottom!