Patterns of Survival

In my last session, my homework was to write down the emotional stuck points I have and to replace them with more realist ones. You’re kidding me, right? “Ahh, that will be a no, Ms. De’. You can do this. You’ve come so far. Remember, fear is a response to emotional danger.”

That’s what he thinks. I never opened that file. The file of how I feel about myself and what others may have contributed to enhancing those feelings. Doesn’t he know that opening this particular file is like opening Pandora’s box? He must know or he wouldn’t have given me this assignment.

Anxiety sets in. Here come thoughts on top of stuck point thoughts! I can’t handle this, so I crashed and it was hard. I immediately reverted back to my survival instincts. I politely closed the file.

The main reason I closed that file was I never forgave myself for anything I thought may have resulted in my hating myself. No, I don’t want people to pity me, and no I don’t feel sorry for myself. I just grew to dislike myself after being consistently bullied throughout my life. The trauma made it worse.

The wonderful thing about this chapter in my life is the work I’m doing. I’m gaining a better understanding of why people did the things they did to me and why I accepted it. I’m gaining a better appreciation of who I really am and how to present myself to the world.

During the traumatic event, I did what I had to do. I didn’t become someone else, I used a part of myself that would help me survive. Now, I’m on the path of living with others without being in survival mode.

Until next time,

Not only will I survive, but I will grow and thrive.

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