PTSD is a very peculiar disorder. Some days you wake up and you feel like you can conqueror the world and the things that are troubling to you. Some days you’ll wake up and you’re drifting backwards towards that incident.
Everything in your life is effected by PTSD. Smells in the air, changing of the seasons, certain people you see, and places you go can cause a set back. That’s if you let it.
Things you used to enjoy and get pleasure from become byproducts of the past. You distance yourself from friends and family because of harbored thoughts of awkward behaviors in their presence. Feelings of “eyes on me” linger in the air.
Trust? Who? When you don’t trust yourself. At some point, healing becomes your focus. You look at it as a journey and no longer a task you must complete. You need to discover yourself. Atleast the person you are now becoming.
Vertigo. Feeling off balanced everyday can be quite stressful. This has been happening since October 18th. Usually, the sensation leaves within a few days. Not this time. I’ve scheduled an appt with an ENT doctor. The appointment isn’t until March!
Next, Fibromyalga or chronic pain. I really should say it’s the neuropathy. As I type this, my fingers are numb. I could choose depression, but I don’t have time for that.
I hate being disabled in certain parts of my physical life. I can’t let it control my daily outcomes. I really would like to walk and clear my thoughts. At this time I have arthritis in my feet. Painful. I take it day by day. I don’t let anxiety or depression set into my thoughts or feelings.
I always start my day with a prayer. There are so many reasons to be thankful. Most people do not know the meaning of thankful. Most people feel they have nothing to be thankful for. Let me give you a few of my thankful reasons.
I see many homeless people daily. Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. They walk in and out of traffic with signs of who they are and what they need. Most of the time it’s money for food or shelter. Sleep is spent on the sidewalks, bus stop benches, and in the parks. Some are seen pushing grocery store carts with their belongings. Some have taken possession of empty buildings and lots. I’ve even seen them making their homes under bridges. Sometimes I even see them with man’s best friend. Committed to staying loyal to the end.
Thankful. Today I am thankful for shelter from the elements. I am thankful for food, clothing and the warmth of a soft bed. I am thankful that I don’t have to think about where I will live or what will happen to me at night. I’m thankful that my pets live in the safety of my home. I’m thankful I don’t have to look for food for them.
It troubles me how the world thinks this is o.k. How our nation frowns upon misfortune. How can I truly feel thankful when other humans are suffering?
I’m watching the McMichael case that happened in my hometown of Brunswick,Georgia. At this moment I am watching the trial on Court TV, The Killing of Amhaud Arbery. Travis(the son), is testifying as to why he felt it necessary to follow, get out of his truck and shoot Arbery due to a suspicion of theft.
I am tired 😫 of violence 😪 against any person. Excuse me, I’m having a C-PTSD moment.
I no longer agree with my old cliché, “It is what it is”. Why? Because it’s not. It is what you make it. That’s what it is.
Since 2007, I’ve struggled with putting my life back together in the most positive and recognizable way. It has not worked out that way. I could never seem to recapture the “old me”. I realized in 2017, I had evolved into a new version of me. A different and stronger me.
A person who no longer needed to relate to my life as a victim. A person who now has knowledge of how to react and interact to or in certain uncomfortable situations. A person who can tell her story in liberty and freedom while being able to relate to others with similar lives.
I completed the lab work from the appointment on Wednesday. I had to practically beg the assistant to refer me to a Podiatrist and an ENT for the issues I have been enduring. I got it done. Now I will have to wait for the call to schedule an appointment. Tiring.
I spent most of the day with one of my daughters. It was fun. I made it through the fatigue.
In my thoughts, I travel to places I can no longer go. Right now, I’m riding my bike on that winding road in my home town. Being alone with nature feels good as a cool breeze hits my face. The sun is going down, so I stop to take a picture. Got it. Perfect. Smiling to myself, I take a sip of water and mount back up for the homeward stretch.
I’m grateful for some of the memories I have. It is times like this when I need them most.
I woke up at my usual time, 8 a.m. I was still feeling off-balanced. I made my way to the kitchen for coffee. Looking out the window, I saw pieces of the sun through the leaves of a tree. I smiled. God is good.
One of the things I hate about Vertigo is the fatigue. I’m not a lazy person. I exercised, worked all, and I mean all, of my adult life until 2016.
I can relate to you with any type of Arthritis and Fibromyalga. The difficulty comes in doing the things you loved to do. Picking up a piece of paper gets hard. Typing on my phone, journaling, and all the things that make me so happy end up being on my daily chore list. I have to make time for them.
Mentally, I could give up and succumb to it all, but my character will not let me. I don’t give up or give in during the tough times. I find my strength in Christ. Without God, I would have gone under when I first heard or felt the pain. I know God wants me to tell you that you too can make it. You have to find the answers in Him.
Getting out of bed, sitting, and even standing still can be difficult for me. I’m not dizzy, it’s called Vertigo!
I have suffered with this for the last 3 years. Recently, for the last 7 days. When someone says vertigo, people usually think of the Alfred Hitchcock movie Vertigo, starring James Stewart. Unfortunately, it’s much more than a movie.
Well, what is Vertigo? Without writing a book, I will attempt to convey to you, what was told to me. There are 2 types. Central Vertigo which is caused by damage to the nervous system and vertical Vertigo (I have) caused by issues in the inner ear.
Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo or BPPV. In our inner ear, we have small calcium crystals called otocoma. The otocoma is normally attached to the urticle, a small sensory organ inside the ear. When the otocoma become detached, it drifts into the ear canal. The ears ability to sense direction and balance becomes impaired resulting in vertigo.
I feel like I’m on a merry-go-round everytime it happens. I even experience vomiting 🤢 , nausea 😵, and anxiety 🙃.
What can I do? See the photo’s below. The content is not mine, but from Pinterest.
How long? Until you feel better. Until that hopeless feeling is gone. Until the memory is just a thought from yesterday. Until you can look at that person and not show fear.until it doesn’t bother you to hear others talk about what happened to you. That’s how long.
Some things take a lifetime of healing. You don’t stop living because trauma happened. A part of you doesn’t exist anymore. It died the day trauma took place. For awhile, you may seem like you’re hanging in limbo. You see life and people in gray. It’s o.k. take as long as you need, but don’t stay there too long. You have to use the existing parts of you to recover and survive.