About Yesterday

Saturday

I woke up at my usual time, 8 a.m. I was still feeling off-balanced. I made my way to the kitchen for coffee. Looking out the window, I saw pieces of the sun through the leaves of a tree. I smiled. God is good.

One of the things I hate about Vertigo is the fatigue. I’m not a lazy person. I exercised, worked all, and I mean all, of my adult life until 2016.

I can relate to you with any type of Arthritis and Fibromyalga. The difficulty comes in doing the things you loved to do. Picking up a piece of paper gets hard. Typing on my phone, journaling, and all the things that make me so happy end up being on my daily chore list. I have to make time for them.

Mentally, I could give up and succumb to it all, but my character will not let me. I don’t give up or give in during the tough times. I find my strength in Christ. Without God, I would have gone under when I first heard or felt the pain. I know God wants me to tell you that you too can make it. You have to find the answers in Him.

I’m not just a little dizzy❣

Getting out of bed, sitting, and even standing still can be difficult for me. I’m not dizzy, it’s called Vertigo!

I have suffered with this for the last 3 years. Recently, for the last 7 days. When someone says vertigo, people usually think of the Alfred Hitchcock movie Vertigo, starring James Stewart. Unfortunately, it’s much more than a movie.

Well, what is Vertigo? Without writing a book, I will attempt to convey to you, what was told to me. There are 2 types. Central Vertigo which is caused by damage to the nervous system and vertical Vertigo (I have) caused by issues in the inner ear.

Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo or BPPV. In our inner ear, we have small calcium crystals called otocoma. The otocoma is normally attached to the urticle, a small sensory organ inside the ear. When the otocoma become detached, it drifts into the ear canal. The ears ability to sense direction and balance becomes impaired resulting in vertigo.

I feel like I’m on a merry-go-round everytime it happens. I even experience vomiting 🤢 , nausea 😵, and anxiety 🙃.

What can I do? See the photo’s below. The content is not mine, but from Pinterest.

How Long? Part 2

How long? Until you feel better. Until that hopeless feeling is gone. Until the memory is just a thought from yesterday. Until you can look at that person and not show fear.until it doesn’t bother you to hear others talk about what happened to you. That’s how long.

Some things take a lifetime of healing. You don’t stop living because trauma happened. A part of you doesn’t exist anymore. It died the day trauma took place. For awhile, you may seem like you’re hanging in limbo. You see life and people in gray. It’s o.k. take as long as you need, but don’t stay there too long. You have to use the existing parts of you to recover and survive.

I did. Look at me now❣

Be Yourself

Today is one of the days I find it very easy to be in the company of others by body alone. I smile the occasional smile, give eye contact when necessary and make comments about the topic.

I am actually in a brain fog. I’m trying to sort out why I keep feeling fatigued. I have had 2 episodes of full panic attacks with no reason for the onset.

Yes, I am still taking all meds and will not get to see the primary care doctor until some time in March.

Mentally, I am maintaining. By that I mean, the pandemic has not taken too much of an affect on me. I’m a home body naturally. I do not socialize in person or with groups. Not as of yet, anyway. I’m working on it. Most of the time, I’m in my room reading, watching TV, listening to music or eating. But this too is getting old.

It’s been awhile

It’s been awhile. Since the pandemic, my thoughts have been elsewhere. I can’t say that anxiety has not come knocking, because it has. I seem to have drifted back to one of my coping strategies. Purchasing books. I love to read and that’s not the problem. The problem is that I am not reading what is purchased!

The books feel like a security blanket of some sort. The more I buy, the worse I feel. Yes, I feel worse. I had spoken with my therapist previously when I was in therapy. He seemed to think that it was an o.k. phase. Sort of like the numerous pens I have been collecting for years! I laugh at and to myself. Is he serious?! He was. He told me these where 2 of the things that meant a great deal to me during my childhood. Because I didn’t have very many pretty pens, I became fascinated with being able to purchase the things I wanted. The books, just an added bonus.

Well, I am going to show a video, just not today. I do believe I am on my way to healing, the road is long right now since I kind of turned back.