Don’t Think That

I have a very hard time keeping my thoughts on positive things. Good things about myself. Peaceful things. You know, like walking through a field of sunflowers on a sunny day. Even when I do ( on some days), a cloud comes rumbling by ruining everything! Normally, the cloud takes the form of people in my past who has emotionally abused me in one form or another. I used to cry all the time and tell myself how right they must be. If things were the opposite, they wouldn’t treat me this way.

Well, you know Easter is Sunday. I’m a Christian, so naturally, my beliefs are centered around Christ. When Passion of the Christ came out, I found out how much Jesus had suffered for me to have happiness and peace in my life. I found out that I didn’t have to accept what a person had done or said about me. I could take those thoughts and cast them away from me! It’s similar to what my therapist is helping me to do. Easier said than done, right? Right. As I become a better steward of the word of God, I find that I am also taking those ugly thoughts and finding where they originated from with my therapist. I am healing and forgiving myself and others!

I went for my Psychiatry appointment today and discussed some of the feelings and thoughts that are trying to stick around. I told her what I was doing along with my therapy, and she said to continue on. Right now, I will stay on the medication combination along with therapy.

I know I have a way to go with changing my thoughts or stuck points, but with me writing them down and getting to the roots of them, I am feeling stronger and better daily. It is a process that I have started and will continue.

Until next time

Give yourself credit for the strides you are making.

Difficult Days

Today started off as becoming one of the difficult days. If you are like me, having Depression linked with PTSD and Social Anxiety, your days can become simply surviving. To help me through the tough times, I pull up memories and thoughts that represent where I want to go and who I am becoming. Sure, I could sit and waddle in self-pity, but what am I accomplishing? Nothing.

I use these days as stepping stones. I don’t want to drown in a sea of despair, so I am careful to touch each stone at least once. As I stand there, I visualize my surrounding to see what’s ahead of me. There are so many stones of what effect trauma has had on me. They only lead to dark places I visited before. I could easily slip back into that place because the stones are worn from previous steps.

I congratulate myself on choosing a smaller stone of affirmation, “keep going, you got this”. I think I’ll stay here today.

Sometimes when you can’t do anything else, you have to stand firm where you are. This stone is not worn at all! I haven’t been on it for very long, therefore it will hold me up until I free space in my mind from negative thoughts.

Until next time,

There is a lesson to learn from every negative thought. It is a part of you, but it is not you.

Starting My Life

It’s never too late to start anything, that is; if you’re committed to hard work. I’ve heard, seen and even said this to someone else. I never felt I had the need to practice it for myself, that is until now.

I take pride in being a person who does not take constructive criticism to heart. I always do self-inventory. You know, checking my own self out before someone points it out. But when it came to starting certain parts of my life over, I became dumbfounded.

I knew I needed to do something when my appearance and attitude towards myself became a problem. I looked in the mirror one day to see a 240lb person staring back at what used be a 140lb person. I wasn’t a comfort eater, so how did I get to this point? I stopped exercising, getting out of my room and the house and had no human contact unless necessary!

I didn’t want to be that person in the mirror, but when I look back, it took me 5 years to get here; it will take me time to get back healthy. Where do I start? How do I start?

I decided to deal with my mental well-being first. I felt if I could get this part if me healthy, I’d be prepared for my physical well-being. It’s taking me quite a while, but I am making strides of progress daily. I’m also to the point where I am planning a healthy regimen. It includes better eating habits and exercising.

Today, I know that everything is going to be ok. I will have ups and downs, but regardless, everything is going to be ok.

Until next time,

Start a list of things that make you happy, sad anxious or a list of what you like to do, don’t like, etc. Add to it everyday and at the end of the year, look back on it!

Progress Requires Work

Life is hard. Life is even harder when you have a mental disorder that requires the majority of your attention. There is nothing more depressing than feeling as if your life is spiraling out of control.

People will label you as weak, victim, or absent from society when you began to take control of your mental health. Naturally, they will not see the progress you are making as you tell your story. I’m seeing and feeling the effects of the changes I am making in my life. I’ve had to disconnect from family members as well as people I considered my closest friends during this process. While I was hurt by the changes I had to make in my life, I found that it was best for me at this point in my life.

I’ve worked very hard to change my way of thinking about myself. I’m proud of what I continue to address daily. Determining where the negative thought came from has been painful for me. At some point, I know I will have to face the person(s) behind that thought. I’m not ready for that stage. But when I get there, I know I will be prepared. Why? How? Because of the work, I’m doing now.

Until next time,

Trust in yourself concerning yourself. You usually know what you’re doing!

No Limits

Over the last 2 weeks, I have really had the opportunity to think about how I feel about myself. Self-esteem. This was a project from my last session, which was 3 weeks ago. I had a major meltdown. I hate talking about myself and I’ve never felt good or confident about myself, my looks, accomplishments or anything. So, completing this assignment triggered some major thoughts about myself and the negative experiences I had as a child and through adulthood. I never knew I had kept so many hidden feelings in my thoughts.

I asked my therapist could I work on this for another 2 weeks. I pray I can work through this portion of my therapy. It is very important to my overall recovery and health.

Until next time,

Remember God is with you through all you may go through if you trust and believe in Him

Are You Strong or Are You Surviving?

Life is hard. Life becomes harder when you have survived a traumatic event. You try and stay strong for your family, friends and the world. You forget that you are in the equation and without you, survival will never take place. Being strong for others becomes only a part of the race.

Most persons with PTSD don’t want to just survive. Being strong becomes a way of life. It has for me in many ways.

As a survivor, strength is something I heavily rely on daily. It takes mental strength for me to do something positive daily. That starts with me waking up. I have to spiritually believe God to wake me, give me wisdom for that day, strengthen me to carry out the physical part of the day and emotionally prepare me for what will happen throughout the day. This can be draining without God.

For one thing, my belief system has God at the center. Everything radiates from Him. I trust him to guide me daily in all that I do. I receive my strength from Him. My survival is based on Him.

When trauma entered my life, I was too busy making sure those around me did not suffer. The results of that lead to C-PTSD. For many years, I isolated, self-abused, victimized myself for being a victim, and made excuses for the perpetrator. I stopped relying on and trusting in God as my source of healing. PTSD took its toll on me.

I am so glad God never gave up on my ability to renew my faith in His ability to heal me. He never left me. He led me to many good sources of humanly support. From there, I learned a lot about myself and I am still learning. Yes, you are strong for surviving. Yes, you are strong and you are a survivor. What you must remember is this: you are not strong or surviving all alone. There are people who show up every day to make sure you stay strong and for me, it is God who strengthens me through Christ to survive. Philippians 4:13.

Until next time,

II Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

I Just Want It to be Right!

I have been told by many people, professionally and otherwise, I am a perfectionist. “You have a type A personality.” “You just have to be right; don’t you?” “Why are you in competition with yourself?” There are many more things that have been said. You already know them, because you’ve told them, or had them said to or about you.

I am learning to take it easy on myself. It’s hard, but I’m working just as hard to overcome perfectionism. I was taught this as a young girl. My mother did not tolerate failure or any sign of weakness. I learned early never to cry. Even when I got physically disciplined, I never shed a tear. I took my punishment seriously. I would always go to my room and sit and try to figure out how to improve myself and never to make that mistake again. To this day, constructive criticism doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is the fact that I did something wrong in the first place and now I have to be told to correct it. It’s never the criticism with me; it’s what the person thinks of me for the mistake forward.

I know what you must be thinking, but I’m giving you a glimpse into my thinking. This in part leads to my anxieties about how I will engage with others socially. If you are like me, you need to take better care of yourself. One of the ways I’m caring for myself is by seeing a C-PTSD therapist. You would be happy to know; I am making progress.

Until next time,

You and I don’t always have to be right.